A Place for Me

Sunday night our church had the priviledge of having Jason Upton come and do a free concert.  Actually it was more of a worship experience and it was awesome.  TONS of young people just worshiping with hands raised and eyes closed were down at the altar. People of all ages were there worshiping the Lord.  Rayna danced around to the music imitating the people around her by raising her hands and swaying to the music.  It made my smile to watch her.  Xander after awhile went to sleep in the midst of the loud music and dancing people and then Rayna conked out later herself on an empty pew. 

He took a short break from playing the keyboard and singing to share some of what was on his heart and this is one of the things he said that really spoke to me:  "The worst thing that could happen to you is for you to be successful in something that you weren't created to do."  Think about that. 

We all have a purpose which is something that I have posted about before.  We should strive to do what God has called us to do and not try to go our own way. 

I just bought a new book tonight called Know What You Believe by Paul Little. So far it's been good so we'll see how the rest goes...

I am just now in a point in my life where I want more.  I have felt unfufilled because I have not been intimate with Christ in the last few years.  There is a song by Plumb that I love called God Shaped Hole.  I'll post the lyrics at the end of this post.

My daily devotional this morning talked about encounters with God.  God knew his plans for us even before we were born.  However he doesn't reveal them until we seek him.  Each of us are made for a SPECIFIC PURPOSE!  It said that God doesn't wish to just give us a nice devotional thought for the day, he wants to use us for that specific purpose.  To touch someone, to lead someone to Christ.  Did you know that the average Christian in a year leads no one to Christ?  What are we doing?  Why are we not sharing Him?  If we truly believe that Hell is a reality why do we not speak up?  Because we're scared.  We're afraid we'll appear too pushy or "over-religious" ;.  We're scared someone will reject us.  But this is life or death for eternity we're talking about.  We HAVE to get out of our comfort zone and start sharing Jesus with others.  That was His command to us to spread the good news.

Thank God there is a revival going on with the young people in our city.  They are so hungry for more of the Lord and that is so great.  There is a guy that started a worship ministry in his basement with like less than 10 people (from what I heard) to now between 200-300 people!  That is awesome!  This guy used to be into all kinds of bad stuff and he allowed God to touch him and change him.  He's done a complete 180.  It's amazing. 

My husband went this past Tuesday and he said it was "unbelieveable" .  Next Tuesday we plan on going together since our bible study was cancelled.  I am just so hungry for the Lord.  Only He can satisfy.

My prayer this morning was that I would get past my fear of what Christ is leading me to do and just do it.  Because the fact is He will empower me and guide me through whatever He calls me to do.  I don't have to do it on my own and neither do you.

Artist: Plumb
Song: God-Shaped Hole Lyrics

Every point of view has another angle

And every angle has its merit

But it all comes down to faith

Thats the way I see it

You can say that love is not divine and

You can say that life is not eternal

"All we have is now"

But I don't believe it

There's a God-shaped hole in all of us

And the restless soul is searching

There's a God-shaped hole in all of us

And it's a void only he can fill

Does the world seem gray with empty longing

Wearing every shade of cynical

And do you ever feel that

There is something missing?

That's my point of view...

I am trying to tweak this thing so if you are visiting in the middle of it....sorry.

Be patient!

Our text from bible study last night was Revelation 9.

I knew that Revelation talked about the Abyss and the Lake of Fire but I didn't really think about that Hell is just a holding place.  Hell is not the last stop for those that don't accept Jesus as Savior.  They will be thrown into the Abyss (the bottomless pit) and then into the Lake of Fire where the Antichrist and False Prophet will be thrown.  Can you even imagine!?!?!  These places are like none we can imagine or comphrehend.  Even the demons don't like visiting there.  I forget the text, maybe in Matthew or Luke, when Jesus is casting the demons out of a man and the demons beg Jesus not to send them to the bottomless pit but plead to be cast into the pigs instead.  If they don't even want to go there, I sure don't even wanna think how horrible it must be.  This is a reality and it will happen.  It breaks my heart to think of friends and family that have gone their own way choosing not to follow Jesus and if they don't change they will be in the Lake of Fire one day.  How heart wrenching!

Rev 9:1-6 says:

1The fifth angel sounded his trumpet, and I saw a star that had fallen from the sky to the earth. The star was given the key to the shaft of the Abyss. 2When he opened the Abyss, smoke rose from it like the smoke from a gigantic furnace. The sun and sky were darkened by the smoke from the Abyss. 3And out of the smoke locusts came down upon the earth and were given power like that of scorpions of the earth. 4They were told not to harm the grass of the earth or any plant or tree, but only those people who did not have the seal of God on their foreheads. 5They were not given power to kill them, but only to torture them for five months. And the agony they suffered was like that of the sting of a scorpion when it strikes a man. 6During those days men will seek death, but will not find it; they will long to die, but death will elude them.

These "locusts" aren't what we think.  The rest of the chapter goes on to describe them and they must be just awful creatures..  Anyway, these creatures are allowed to torture those that do not have the seal of God on their foreheads and they will beg to die, but they can't.  For 5 months they will be tortured!  But the most amazing thing is, even through this they will still reject God.  Their hearts will be so hardened they will not cry out to him, instead they will curse him.  Wow.  (Note:  I believe in a Pre-Tribulation rapture so I believe these things are happening while we (present believers that will be raptured) are in heaven with Jesus and those left behind that have accepted Christ are protected.)

Our leader, Donna, loves God's word and loves teaching it.  She is the sweetest woman I know.  I have learned so much from her.  We got so caught up in last night's study we went over 30 minutes past our usual stop time.  We didn't care, we just wanted to soak it up.

I am just amazed by God and the things I am learning.

Why do people choose to be in invisible mode?  I mean why would you care if I saw that you visited my blog?  I always visit people's blog that visit mine and I can't see that you have visited me if you are in invisible mode.....

Wikipedia states this as the definition of BELIEF:

Belief in the psychological sense, is a representational mental state 

that takes the form of a propositional attitude. In the religious sense, 

"belief" refers to a part of a wider spiritual or moral foundation, generally 

called faith.

 I believe in miracles.  I know they happen everyday.

 I believe Mary conceived Jesus by way of the Holy Spirit.

 I believe Jesus is the Son of God.

 I believe He lead a sinless life.

 I believe Jesus died for my sins.

 I believe that by accepting His sacrifice, we are saved 

 and only then can enter the Kingdom  of Heaven upon death (or the rapture).

 I believe in a pre-Tribulation rapture.

 I believe in angels and demons.

 I believe in spiritual warfare.

 I believe that if America as a nation ever turns her back on 

 Israel that will be her downfall.

 I believe in the power of prayer.

 I believe we were all created for a purpose.  God doesn’t 

 make mistakes.

 I believe the rapture will occur before I die.

 I believe in the baptism of the Holy Spirit and speaking in 

 tongues, or what I like to call prayer language.

 I believe giving worship to our Savior is vital to our 
 
 relationship with him.

 I believe in soulmates.

 I believe that we go thru hard times to draw us closer 

 to the Lord.

 I believe I have entertained angels unaware.

Wednesday night church was good.  As usual.  Our pastor is back from having surgery and he was rarin' to go. 

Wednesday nights he teaches on Proverbs (I think I have mentioned that before...anyway) and he spoke alot about backsliding; our text started in Proverbs 14:11. 

I knew these things but it was nice to have my memory refreshed so that I can keep myself in check.  This is what he said:

There is no standing still with God.  You are either moving forward (growing) or moving back (backsliding).  That doesn't have to mean that you go out and adopt your old lifestyle habits like drinking or drugs or whatever.  Not necessarily the big stuff.  But it starts with the little things.  As soon as we start trusting our own lying heart and not listening to and obeying God then we fall away from him.  Our heart lies to us daily.  The only person we can truly trust is God.

I picture me climbing a hill and at the top is God holding a rope.  I have to climb the hill and hold on to the rope.  As soon as I let go of that rope (putting other things before God), I'm sliding back down the hill, back to where I started and then I have to get up and start over.  Some people don't ever get back up.  They choose to stay at the bottom, all the while God is calling them from the top of the hill.

I am so hungry today and I don't know why. I have eaten so I shouldn't be so hungry! I attempted to eat a tuna sandwich but the tuna was icky and I couldn't finish it. It just seems like nothing I am eating today is satifying me! How irritating.

I'm trying to drink a Slim Fast but it's not that tasty. I wish I had a burger and some fries or some pizza. Pizza would be good....

I made some almond pound cake last night and it was fabulous.  I topped it with this peach praline sauce and had a little ice cream on the side.  Man was it good!

A lady here at work won't eat a banana if it has even one brown spot on it so she always gives me her "old" bananas.  She brought me like 7 today so I am going to make some banana nut bread.  Yum. 

I totally missed church yesterday.

I was supposed to have two jewelry shows this weekend, Saturday and Sunday, but only the Saturday show happened. When the lady called to reschedule I was actually relieved because I am just so darn tired. So anyway Saturday after the show I got home and my wonderful hubby had cleaned the house! I'm telling you, if you wanna put me in the mood, have the house clean when I get home! I HATE coming home to a messy house. So needless to say he got lucky

Mom was bringing the kids back from a birthday party so we picked them up and headed to Jonathan's parents' house. We hung out for awhile there then went to grab a bite to eat at Firehouse Subs. They have GREAT sandwiches and lots of hot sauces to choose from. Then we stopped by the Family Chrisitan Bookstore and bought a few things. I got a book by Dr. Dears on Christian parenting and hopefully I'll get to actually read it!

Sunday morning I woke early to feed Xander then fell back asleep only to wake again at 10! I couldn't believe I slept that long! I guess I was really tired. I did make an effort to get myself and the kids ready for church but it wasn't happening. Church starts at 10:30 and since Jonathan had to work I was alone in getting everyone ready. So we stayed home and played and napped and it was great!

I think I have figured out the nipple issue. We had introduced new smaller nipples to Xander and I think because of that he forgot how to nurse. It takes a completely different sucking action to nurse than it does to drink from a skinny bottle nipple. So now I am trying to retrain him and heal at the same time. I knew that God was allowing me to go thru this so that I could help someone else having this problem. I just didn't know it would be so soon. Last night at Walmart I was standing in the bottle and formula alise when two ladies walked up and one asked the other if she planned to breastfeed and she said yes. She then starting asking if using a regular nipple would when bottle feeding would be ok. I had to speak up. I asked if I could share my experience and she said Please! So I told her about my problem and that now I won't use anything other than the wide nipples from Playtex. I am convinced that was the problem. So anyway, I hope that prevents her from having the same problem as me. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I heard this morning on the radio that the show The Book of Daniel was pulled from the line up. I am happy to hear about this. The show was a complete diss to the Christian faith. I understand we are all sinners and no one is perfect but portraying a family like the one on the show as a typical "Christian family" is crazy. Not to mention the fact that the white-robed, fake bearded Jesus figure was weird.

Here is an article I got from AFA Media:
AFA Says NBC’s Pulling of “Daniel” Shows Power of Pocketbook

(Tupelo, MS) - The American Family Association (AFA) says that NBC’s decision to pull “The Book of Daniel” shows the power of the pocketbook.

“NBC didn’t want to eat their economic losses,” said AFA Chairman Donald E. Wildmon. “Had NBC not had to eat millions of dollars each time it aired, NBC would have kept ‘Daniel’ alive. But when the sponsors dropped the program, NBC decided it didn’t want to continue the fight.”

According to WorldNetDaily, “effective immediately,” the show has been cancelled.

“This shows the average American that he doesn’t have to simply sit back and take the trash being offered on TV, but he can get involved and fight back with his pocketbook,” Wildmon said. “We want to thank the 678,394 individuals who sent emails to NBC and the thousands who called and emailed their local affiliates.”

NBC touted the show as a serious drama about Christian people and the Christian faith. It featured Daniel Webster as a drug-addicted Episcopal priest, his alcoholic wife, a very unconventional white-robed, bearded Jesus, a 23-year-old homosexual Republican son, a 16-year-old drug dealing daughter and a 16-year-old adopted son who is having sex with the bishop’s daughter. In the premier episode, Daniel's brother-in-law Charlie ran off with Jesse, his secretary. Later viewers found out that Jesse was also having a lesbian affair with Charlie's wife.

According to media reports, the show was written by Jack Kenny, a practicing homosexual, who described himself as being “in Catholic recovery,” interested in Buddhist teachings about reincarnation, and not sure exactly how he defined God and/or Jesus. “I don't necessarily know that all the myth surrounding him (Jesus) is true,” he said.

I just added a new pic of my kids under my profile. I'm such a proud mama. Forgive me :)

This was taken in December.

Ok so this is my time to rant so if you don't want to hear me rant, I suggest you stop here. Also, this is not complaining, I am just getting out my frustrations. If you don't like TMI (too much information), then stop here.

My kids have been such restless sleepers lately that it keeps Jonathan and I up most of the night. Usually Rayna is a pretty still sleeper but here lately she has been thrashing around and kicking and flailing her arms and legs. This was bad enough but now that her Nana bought her those PJ's with the rubber soles on the feet it's even worse. Imagine a rubber soled foot kicking you and then dragging down your bare arm or back. Doesn't feel so good. Then there is Xander. He usually only wakes up 2-3 times a night to nurse but this week it's been like every hour and when I try to give him his pappy he just gets mad. So I have to end up nursing him back to sleep.

That is bad enough but throw on top of that the fact that I have cracked and sore nipples (cause unknown, maybe thrush) and you have major pain. It brings me to tears to nurse him and I don't know what to do. I refuse to quit but it HAS entered my mind.

So all that was last night. This morning I was crabby from lack of sleep but thank God the kids were in a good mood and let me get ready for work in peace. Except for when Xander decided to blow out his diaper and mess up the bed linens. It took me 10 minutes to clean up the mess all the while he's smiling and cooing. So in order for me not to be late I decided to take my makeup with me and slap it on in the car. Apparently in the hysteria of carrying both kids to the car and reminding myself not to forget his milk, I forgot to grab my makeup. *sarcastic smile*

So unbeknownest to me I have left my makeup at home and I am on my merry way to drop the kids off with my father in law. But wait, they're working on the road at the entrance to our subdivision and I can't get out. UGH! Finally those dump trucks pull out of the way and I am on my way again. I get to my in laws and take the kids inside. I remembered I forgot my lunch so I ask if I can mooch some leftovers to take with me and he obliges. Thank you John!

Off I go again to work and half way there I realize I have NO makeup and it's way too late to go back for it. Traffic is slow for some unknown reason (no wreck in sight...) so I end up being late anyway and I am so caught up in forgetting my makeup that I leave my lunch in the car.

I got into work and decided I would stay secluded in my office today so that no one would notice I was without makeup. But wouldn't you know that today we were celebrating a co-workers birthday and I get to see EVERYONE in the office. Yay! So there is no hiding it now.

After our little celebration my father in law calls to tell me that there was a hole in one of the milk bags I brought over. Seems all the milk leaked out and he wasn't going to have enough milk for the baby now unless someone brought him some more. Great...

So it's now 12:16p and I just ate my lunch (which had sat in my car from 7:30a until 11:30a) and I just hope I don't get sick...
That would be the icing on the cake.

There, I feel better now. *sigh*

I am a loving person for the most part but there are times when I am just absolutely hateful and mean. It's like my flesh completely takes over and it's so powerful. I find that this battle is almost an everyday one and sometimes wonder if I need medication to calm myself down. I don't know that I really believe in medication to cure something like that because I know that the Holy Spirit can help me. It's just so powerful to the point I don't even like myself sometimes.

I just want to react to things better and not yell at my daughter when she does something wrong. Yelling doesn't help anyone but at that moment I don't know how to get out my frustration. I guess I can start by doing the ole count to ten method. That would at least give me time to think before I act.

How in the heck did I get #2 on Hot Blogs?

Anyway, church was great yesterday. We had a guest speaker and he was great. He spoke on the Holy Spirit and alot of what he said I had never really thought about before. Did you know that the Holy Spirit is a person? I didn't either. We tend to think of a person as a human body. If someone you love dies and you see them in the coffin, isn't that just a shell you are looking at? The person that they were is now passed on. Either to heaven or hell. What makes a person a person is their mind, their thoughts, their personality.

The Holy Spirit has thoughts and emotions so that makes "him" a person. (Gender isn't relevant) The bible says you can grieve the Holy Spirit. If you can grieve something surely it is much more than an "it". A "thing". It's a person.

Jesus had to leave earth before he could send us the Comforter. The Holy Spirit. In John 14 it says:
15"If you love me, you will obey what I command. 16And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— 17the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be[c] in you.

He spoke about fellowshipping with the Holy Spirit and listening to the still small voice. Conversations are a two way street. If it were you and a friend fellowshipping would you let that friend talk or share their opinion? Have you ever been ignored? Have you ever had an idea that was rejected? How did you feel? That is how the Holy Spirit feels when we don't give "him" the opportunity to speak to us.

The part that spoke most to me was when he was talking about sailing and harnessing the power of the wind. He said alot of times we're out there on the ocean in our little rowboat just rowing like crazy. Our arms are tired, our muscles are burning and there is no way we are making it to land on our own. We do that in life. We try to do things by our own might when it's fruitless. The Holy Spirit is our Helper. Instead we need to hoist a sail and let the wind carry us across the sea. Harness the power of the Holy Spirit and things get a little easier to bear.

I am a very independent person and I tend to try to conquer everything on my own so this message spoke to me. I also realize I need to slow down sometimes and listen more to the Holy Spirit.

Like you've heard before, we've got two ears and one mouth for a reason. Listen more, speak less.

He was wounded for our transgressions...

Our Pastor always has a powerful message and last night was no different.
On Wednesday nights he teaches (not preaches) on Proverbs. Last night was on Proverbs 14:10 which says:
The heart knoweth his own bitterness (sorrow), and a stranger doth not intermeddle (interfere) with his joy.

Basically the whole point of his sermon was that only Jesus can truly know our sorrow or pain. No matter how much someone loves us; they can never know the full extent of how we feel. Only Jesus can because He was wounded for our transgressions and bruised for our iniquities. They split His body in half like a piece of firewood. He had to go through that so that He would be able to know our pain and sorrow. All our pain, our sin, all our weaknesses, all our sorrows fell on Him at that moment and He endured it all. So He is the only one who can TRULY sympathize with us and encourage us.

So if someone ever says to you, I feel your pain, or I know how you feel, they truly don’t, only Jesus can.

The second part of that verse is saying: A stranger can’t interfere with your joy. No one can take your joy of the Lord away…..unless you let them. The bible says that the joy of the Lord is our strength. So if we lose that joy, then we are weak. Did God take it away? No. Either we allowed someone to steal our joy or we just lost it. In order to be spiritually strong we have to have the joy of the Lord.

I wish I had written down all the scripture verses he gave us because his whole message was so powerful and I know I don’t do it justice here. But I like to share what I have been learning.

Falling in Love with Jesus.

I ran across a blog today about a girl searching for faith. She had come to the realization that she was never really a “Christian” she was just going through the motions.

It made me think. Falling in love with Jesus and going through the motions are two different ends of the stick. You can usually tell what end the person is on within 5 minutes of meeting them (or within 2 minutes of visiting their page…).

Don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect at all. There are times when I have been lukewarm in my faith, but that is all part of traveling through life. I am not proud of those times but I don’t dwell on them either.

This girl whose blog that I read was disgusted with “Christians” acting holier than thou and then sinning just like everyone else. Now with the fact that everyone sins set aside, I know what she means. People acting holy pointing out someone else’s flaws and here they are addicited to porn, or pain killers, or whatever.

The problem is that outsiders (non-believers) look as us (Believers) as an example. We are supposed to mirror Jesus so that when someone looks at us they see Him. But because of our nature that is so hard for us to do. Of course we are going to fall. But we have to get right back up.

How do we mirror Jesus? We have to fall in love with Him. Can you truly fall in love with someone you don’t know? Doesn’t loving someone mean loving their hearts, their thoughts and attitudes? Their desires? How do you come to love someone? You spend time with them. We have to spend time with Jesus in order to fall in love with him. When we fall in love with him, not only will we want to please him, we will want to mirror him. That is what being a Christian is about.

I love Jesus because of what he has done for me and mostly because of WHO he is. The fact that he loves me with an unconditional love is amazing. We are so unworthy to be loved by the King of Kings, but we are his creation and he loves us so much he died for us. Wow, that just blows me away.

In church during worship sometimes I am just struck suddenly by my unworthiness and how God could have (should have) turned his back on me but he didn’t. No matter how far I drift from him he never lets me go. He is always there running to me when I turn his way. There is a song that makes me cry everytime I hear it. It’s called When God Ran. Here are the lyrics:

Almighty God,
The Great I Am
Immoveable Rock,
Omnipotent powerful

Awesome Lord,
Victorious Warrior
Commanding King of Kings
Mighty Conquerer,

And the only time,
the only time I ever saw Him run

Was when He ran to me,
Took me in His arms, held my head to His chest
And said "My son's come home again".
Looked in my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said "Son, do you know I still love you?"

It caught me by surprise when God ran

The day I left Home,
I knew I'd broken His heart
I wondered if
Things could ever be the same,
Then one night,
I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road, ahead I could see
It's the only time,
the only time I ever saw Him run
Was when He ran to me,
Took me in His arms, held my head to His chest
And said "My son's come home again".
Looked in my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said "Son, do you know I still love you?"

It caught me by surprise, He brought me to my knees
When God ran
I saw Him run to me
And then I ran to Him

Holy God, Righteous One
Who turned my way
Now I know, He's been waiting
For this day

How awesome is that!? I can see a man who waits for a son or daughter to come back home after drifting away. He never stops waiting and as soon as he sees them in the distance coming his way, he runs. He runs to hug his child. It doesn’t matter what they did, he is just glad they are home, back in his arms. They are forgiven.

Which is another thing that is in the back of my mind today: forgiveness. My pastor touched on this subject yesterday morning during his sermon and I wanted to share it here because it struck a chord with me.

This is a long passage but it’s a great lesson in forgiveness:

Matthew 18:21-35

21 Then Peter came to Him and said, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" 22 Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. 23 Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. 26 The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, 'Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.' 27 Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. 28 But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, 'Pay me what you owe!' 29 So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.' 30 And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. 31 So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. 32 Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. 33 Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?' 34 And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. 35 So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses."

Peter was looking for a loophole. But Jesus is saying, forgive as many times as you have to. If Jesus forgave our debt by dying for us, how can we not forgive our fellow brother or even a non-believer for something they have committed against us, even if it’s something they have done repeatedly? Now this doesn’t mean if someone is abusing you or hurting you physically you shouldn’t leave that relationship. You should if it’s at all possible, but forgive that person. I am talking about someone that lies to you, or talks about you, or borrows money and doesn’t repay it. Why would we not show the same compassion that Jesus had on us? If you are a Christian living with unforgiveness, please let it go. It will only poison you.

I preach to myself alot of the time. I am not perfect and I struggle everyday. I truly do want Jesus to be proud of me.

It's a boy for those of you that were wondering.
We are naming him Xander Blaize which means defender, protector and flame of God.
Rayna is excited and says hey to him thru my belly.

We have all sorts of babies coming in my family. My step sister just had a boy on Friday via c-section and my sister in law is being induced tomorrow. And Rayna was born in April also so we have alot of April birthdays to celebrate now.

We had Rayna's 2nd birthday party Saturday and it was fun. Very short and sweet but fun. She got lots of fun toys and some cute play clothes. Jonathan got her this little plastic golf cart and a tee ball set. She actually can putt pretty good for a 2 year old. She's so funny because after she hits the ball she'll say, "Great shot!"

Anyway, we are enjoying her and looking forward to Xander coming and joining the family. Rayna's going to be a great big sister.

That's right. I am preggo. 17 weeks tomorrow and I am already starting to show. I didn't show this early last time, but nothing is ever the same twice.
Rayna seems to be excited about being a big sister, which makes me happy. Jonathan is convinced it's a boy because he wants one so badly but we'll see. We have another 4 weeks before we find out. I can hardly wait. :)

Man the holiday season is over and boy am I pooped. But I have great news. Rayna says her ABC's now. She says the whole thing and then sings the little song at the end, Now I said my ABC's, next time won't you sing with me.

Today we got a belated Christmas photocard and Rayna picked it up and said "Bradley". That was one of the little boys in the picture that she had only seen once and it was over Thanksgiving. It amazed me that she recognized him and remembered his name.

Anyway, hope everyone had a great Christmas.

I hate to be a bragging parent, but, ok no I don’t. I love to be a bragging parent! Um, so on with the bragging. Are you ready for this, because it’s huge….? Rayna can count to ten! I completely went nuts Sunday night when she just took off and starting counting and when she reached ten I jumped up and grabbed her and kissed her all over. I couldn’t believe it! We’ve been counting with her for awhile now. Like we’ll count her toes or count the stairs when we walk up or down, things like that. My child is a genius! She did it again for me this morning after we brushed her teeth and all I could do was just beam with pride. If I ask her what comes after ten, she’ll say “eleben, twelf…” and then she’s stuck. But I am so PROUD!
We are trying to teach her colors too. But right now everything is red. I guess she can only be an expert on one thing at a time! 
Oh and the other night I wrote down all the objects she could identify or words that she could say without being asked to say and it’s close to 130. There are also about 20 phrases she can say too like “Love you momma”, “Me do it”, “I fall down”, and “I hold you momma”. She’s so smart!

UGH, ok first of all tblog sucks!  I had this whole post written out about voice mail and then I clicked one of those smileys and the whole crappin thing DISAPPEARED!!!  What the crap!

Anyway, what I was trying to post was about voice mail.  Why do people have it?  Because no one ever returns my calls!!  Ok, so I might be exaggerating a bit but I am irritated.  I have been calling this girl FOR A WEEK and she will not call me back.  It's business related and she is falling thru on her end of the deal and that is SO not cool.  Her show is in 6 days and she STILL has not dropped off her guest list.  She was supposed to do it last Sunday and she didn't.  What's the freakin deal!  Geez!

I am so ready to get out of here it ain't even funny.  There are only three of us left at work and I have been less than motivated today.  Yesterday felt like Friday to me for some reason therefore I feel like I shouldn't be here today.  I haven't gotten much sleep this week so last night when Jonathan kept trying to snuggle with me it was waking me up and I got ill at him and told him to quit because I was trying to sleep.  I mean gah, snuggle with me on a night when I don't have to get up at the CRACK OF DAWN!  It was really crabby of me but I was so dadgum tired I didn't care. 

We are having a family meeting tonight to redo our budget.  Fun stuff I know, but it needs to be done.  We are spending way too much money on going out to eat and junk and that money could be saved.  I need to start cooking more and buying more groceries.  UGH, but that means actually having to GO to the store. 

I am so full from lunch and I have eaten nothing but junk today.  2 donuts, a protein bar, energy drink, white chocolate chip cookie, some punch, peanuts (unsalted), a bite of a muffin and some chili cheese fries with a cheeseburger.  Ew, just thinking about all that junk makes me want to hurl.

Alright, it's shout out time: to my friend Shirina, get some rest this weekend and the Bits says "HI".  To irishred:  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!  Don't party too hard. :)

Song of the day is: It's Five O'clock Somewhere

So Rayna is officially 18mths old today.  J My little punkin.  She is learning her numbers and alphabet pretty well.  She repeats all of 1-10 and starts having a hard time when we get to the teens.  But 11-20 is still new to her.  What she used to do was if I said “one” she would say “two” and then I would say “three” and she would say “four”.  But now she will repeat them without skipping ahead.  She does really well on her letters too.  Used to when I would get to “I” she would say “love” because at the time we were trying to teach her to say “I love you”.  Now she repeats them all the way thru.  When we get to “Z” she claps her hands.  It’s so cute.

I am feeling very overwhelmed, frustrated, stressed and anxious.
My father-in-law, John, keeps Rayna on the days that Jonathan works. He has had a bad back for years which is why he doesn’t work. This has bothered me just a little being that he is technically “disabled” but with the price of child care these days we decided to have him watch her. Sometimes I feel like I am putting her safety in jeopardy but then again he really is fine unless he lifts something heavy or just has a bout of pain. I know he wouldn’t agree to keep her if he thought he was putting her in danger.
Well, it’s gotten complicated. John woke up Saturday morning and couldn’t get out of bed. It’s now Tuesday and he still isn’t well. I usually call on my mom to fill in when something like this happens but she isn’t available and probably won’t be for a few weeks. I thought, ok no biggie I’ll just take off. Well I go in to tell my two supervisors one at a time and they both kinda act as if this is a huge inconvenience. One of them looked at me and said, “So what are you gonna do, I mean…long term.” As if to say, “You need to get this childcare thing worked out so you aren’t taking off work to keep your child.” But the thing is, it is a very rare occurrence that I have to actually take off to keep her. I can’t even remember the last time. It had to have been almost a year ago. So it’s like I’m not constantly doing this or whatever. Maybe it’s just me and I am paranoid but whatever.
I called a few childcare places today to see if any near my house offer part time care. Very few do, and they have to be specific days. Well with Jonathan’s schedule, it’s different every other week. I found one that will do part time care but I can’t help but freak out just thinking about having her put in daycare. Then I started thinking about actually having to drop her off to stay with strangers all day and it almost sent me into a full blown panic attack. She would have a screaming fit. Plus you can’t trust just anyone these days! I had visions of her in a whiney mood and someone just losing it on her and beating her senseless because she wouldn’t stop crying. I don’t think I can handle that kind of anxiety. I would rather drop back to part time and keep her on the days he works/sleeps but I don’t know if my bosses would allow that. I don’t know if maybe I could work some from home (or try anyway).
This is so stressing me out. I really don’t think I can handle another child. I really want to have another one within the next year but I just don’t think we can do it.
Oh I am getting sick from the stress of it all…..

"Life would just be a sharp, nasty knife and fork without someone to spoon with."
Mr. Winkle