A Place for Me

UGH, ok first of all tblog sucks!  I had this whole post written out about voice mail and then I clicked one of those smileys and the whole crappin thing DISAPPEARED!!!  What the crap!

Anyway, what I was trying to post was about voice mail.  Why do people have it?  Because no one ever returns my calls!!  Ok, so I might be exaggerating a bit but I am irritated.  I have been calling this girl FOR A WEEK and she will not call me back.  It's business related and she is falling thru on her end of the deal and that is SO not cool.  Her show is in 6 days and she STILL has not dropped off her guest list.  She was supposed to do it last Sunday and she didn't.  What's the freakin deal!  Geez!

I am so ready to get out of here it ain't even funny.  There are only three of us left at work and I have been less than motivated today.  Yesterday felt like Friday to me for some reason therefore I feel like I shouldn't be here today.  I haven't gotten much sleep this week so last night when Jonathan kept trying to snuggle with me it was waking me up and I got ill at him and told him to quit because I was trying to sleep.  I mean gah, snuggle with me on a night when I don't have to get up at the CRACK OF DAWN!  It was really crabby of me but I was so dadgum tired I didn't care. 

We are having a family meeting tonight to redo our budget.  Fun stuff I know, but it needs to be done.  We are spending way too much money on going out to eat and junk and that money could be saved.  I need to start cooking more and buying more groceries.  UGH, but that means actually having to GO to the store. 

I am so full from lunch and I have eaten nothing but junk today.  2 donuts, a protein bar, energy drink, white chocolate chip cookie, some punch, peanuts (unsalted), a bite of a muffin and some chili cheese fries with a cheeseburger.  Ew, just thinking about all that junk makes me want to hurl.

Alright, it's shout out time: to my friend Shirina, get some rest this weekend and the Bits says "HI".  To irishred:  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!  Don't party too hard. :)

Song of the day is: It's Five O'clock Somewhere

So Rayna is officially 18mths old today.  J My little punkin.  She is learning her numbers and alphabet pretty well.  She repeats all of 1-10 and starts having a hard time when we get to the teens.  But 11-20 is still new to her.  What she used to do was if I said “one” she would say “two” and then I would say “three” and she would say “four”.  But now she will repeat them without skipping ahead.  She does really well on her letters too.  Used to when I would get to “I” she would say “love” because at the time we were trying to teach her to say “I love you”.  Now she repeats them all the way thru.  When we get to “Z” she claps her hands.  It’s so cute.

I am feeling very overwhelmed, frustrated, stressed and anxious.
My father-in-law, John, keeps Rayna on the days that Jonathan works. He has had a bad back for years which is why he doesn’t work. This has bothered me just a little being that he is technically “disabled” but with the price of child care these days we decided to have him watch her. Sometimes I feel like I am putting her safety in jeopardy but then again he really is fine unless he lifts something heavy or just has a bout of pain. I know he wouldn’t agree to keep her if he thought he was putting her in danger.
Well, it’s gotten complicated. John woke up Saturday morning and couldn’t get out of bed. It’s now Tuesday and he still isn’t well. I usually call on my mom to fill in when something like this happens but she isn’t available and probably won’t be for a few weeks. I thought, ok no biggie I’ll just take off. Well I go in to tell my two supervisors one at a time and they both kinda act as if this is a huge inconvenience. One of them looked at me and said, “So what are you gonna do, I mean…long term.” As if to say, “You need to get this childcare thing worked out so you aren’t taking off work to keep your child.” But the thing is, it is a very rare occurrence that I have to actually take off to keep her. I can’t even remember the last time. It had to have been almost a year ago. So it’s like I’m not constantly doing this or whatever. Maybe it’s just me and I am paranoid but whatever.
I called a few childcare places today to see if any near my house offer part time care. Very few do, and they have to be specific days. Well with Jonathan’s schedule, it’s different every other week. I found one that will do part time care but I can’t help but freak out just thinking about having her put in daycare. Then I started thinking about actually having to drop her off to stay with strangers all day and it almost sent me into a full blown panic attack. She would have a screaming fit. Plus you can’t trust just anyone these days! I had visions of her in a whiney mood and someone just losing it on her and beating her senseless because she wouldn’t stop crying. I don’t think I can handle that kind of anxiety. I would rather drop back to part time and keep her on the days he works/sleeps but I don’t know if my bosses would allow that. I don’t know if maybe I could work some from home (or try anyway).
This is so stressing me out. I really don’t think I can handle another child. I really want to have another one within the next year but I just don’t think we can do it.
Oh I am getting sick from the stress of it all…..

"Life would just be a sharp, nasty knife and fork without someone to spoon with."
Mr. Winkle

I've gotten 16.5 hours of overtime this week. I am a bit exhausted but I got a TON accomplished. I work much better when no one else is here. During normal hours I am always being interupted by someone needing my help. I guess that should make me feel good but what I would really like is a nice fat raise. I just keep thinking that this is only temporary. One day I will get to leave this place and just run our business from home full time.

I was reading a blog today and it really opened my eyes to the fact that there are alot of young high schoolers out there with ALOT of hate and rage inside them. It really disturbs me to read about how much they hate their parents and using the f word in every sentence and how they should just kill themselves because they hate their life so much. Why do these kids have so much rage and anger? Granted I have no idea what their home life is like, but I have known kids that had a horrible childhood yet never had that much rage inside. It scares me to think that these kids will be adults with even more rage one day.

As of today, this very minute, I have 700 comments. :) Guess that means I've been here awhile.....

I am at work working late. No one is here but me. We moved to a new building three months ago and we just got our cubes like 2 weeks ago. I kinda like it even though I am in a cube. Less privacy and more distractions but it keeps me from surfing the net instead of working :) I am further away from the main phone line that rings, so that is a definite good thing. And I am closer to the kitchen, file room and copier. All good things :)

I was going to post a bunch of pics from our Seattle trip 2 weeks ago but Photoblog won't let me post but one pic a day now because I have the free membership. So I guess it's one day at a time. I posted one last night and it wasn't a good one. Just of Rayna on the plane and it's really close up. When I get home I will try to remember to post one of me and my neices. They are all pretty girls!

Geez I'm hungry. Better finish my work so I can go home and eat!

Jonathan and I are getting alot of good response to our new biz. www.quixtar.com
I just got a shipment of the energy drinks and protein bars. I can't go anywhere carrying a can of XS www.xsgear.com without someone asking me about it. They're like magnets!
We have two couples that might be interested in partnering with us and that is so exciting.

As for Premier, my jewelry biz, I have a prospect that is going with me to our Purse Extravaganza and that is exciting too. I can't wait until I can stay at home with Rayna (and any other little ones we may have). Plus we are going to have to house shop soon because my dad will need to move in with us within the next year or two. He isn't getting around so good these days so we'll need to help him. I gotta be home for that too.

Anyway, we are off to a good start and I am so excited!!

Three things that I have recently gotten addicted to:

1. Sex (been shopping for things to spice things up a bit...:D A pole might be fun!)

2. Hotdogs (especially with chili and cheese)

3. Country music (can't really explain this one....maybe is appeals to the redneck woman in me LOL!)

We have been so busy lately, but I guess that is a good thing.  Lord knows I hate being bored.  But life goes by so fast when you are busy.  Rayna is now almost 18 months and makes me smile everday.  I still am amazed that she's my flesh and blood sometimes.  She is such a blessing.

Her vocabulary has gotten so much bigger, it's like it exploded.  She'll say "luss you momma" or "luss you daddy".  I just love it!  Last night I was sitting on the couch watching TV (a rarity these days) and she brought me a little plastic man with bulging muscles and an outfit that looked like he was impersonating that crazy Australian guy that likes to say "crikey".  Anyway she handed him to me but never stopped studying him.  She had this concentrated look on her face and she said, "baselet, baselet".  I said, "Rayna, that's a man not a bracelet."  Then I noticed on his right wrist was a watch.  She saw his painted on watch and assumed it was a bracelet.  She has a silver bracelet she likes to wear and because I am now the "jewelry lady" she knows her jewelry pretty well.  "ewrings", "neksless", "baselet" and now "warch".  Of course I thought she was a genius that she recognized he was wearing what appeared to be a bracelet on his arm.  I kept telling her she was so smart and kissing her.  Then I was showing her the difference between my watch and my bracelet.  She just laughed.

She is always doing something new, something so smart, something amazing.  She amazes me all the time.  And she is getting so big!  I take her for her 18mth check up soon.

My brother and his new wife are pregnant and she is due 2 days after Rayna's 2nd birthday.  My step-sister Dana is due in November and my other step-sister Amanda is due again in April also.  She has a 7 month old baby girl.  The only girl of child bearing age in my immediate family that is NOT pregnant is me.  LOL!